THE CHAIN SAW IS REAL

The car I picked up at Edinburgh Airport was a hideous shade of slime green. Why anyone would want to drive a car that colour, I don’t know. Still, it was a sporty little number - two doors and a petrol engine. Touch the accelerator and the car shot forward. And it was as nimble as a go-cart. The Europcar people said it was a SEAT Ibiza - so there!

Dave (otherwise Happy Snaper) had given me directions. But first I had to get out of the carpark, which wasn’t easy. True, there were no shortage of signs saying ‘exit,’ but these led into fences, or else nowhere. It was Kafkaesque. I was about to admit defeat when I spotted, under the red banners of the rival Avis concern, a tiny road to freedom. We were off, the car and I, to visit the Cowarts Academy far away among the snow covered hills.

First the M9 and then the A84: names, half-remembered from the mists of time came rolling back. Stirling, of course, and then Callander, Strathyre, Lochearnhead, all the while following the signs for Crianlarich - the Capel Curig of Scotland as I remember it - whose presence on the map is almost more important than its presence on the ground.

Half way up Glen Ogle, just as the evening darkness had closed in, the traffic came to a halt amidst a welter of flashing blue and amber lights. A car had gone over the parapet and plunged down into the valley below. A recovery operation was under way. Foot by foot the winches were dragging it up.

This did not relieve my state of apprehension as I approached Cowarts. One’s first day at school is always pretty nerve-wracking. And I am a lot older now, less malleable. What would I find over the brow of the hill and down the other side - look out for a wooden sign and a track, Dave had said.

Look out? It was dark and the sign was brown. I hurtled past and then, sensing something out of the corner of my eye, reversed and there it was ‘Wester Lix’ carved into a pine plank above a track that led into the black fastness.

Bump, bump, bump went car and I over the potholes. ‘Go as far as you can,’ Dave had said. ‘And then stop and toot.’ Bump, bump - a house here, a house there, all dark, a cluster of houses, a cluster of cars, no obvious end to the track - but no obvious continuation either. My heart raced as I tooted. Was all this wise?

Nothing. No lights - had I missed a turning? I got out of the car and approached the nearest house. There was a bell. A bell-type bell. Not something you pushed or pulled, but something into which you put your hand and waggled the toggle and out suddenly came a mighty and far too loud a clang and immediately there were lights and a pounding of feet, the door thrown open, and there was Headmistress herself, summoning her new pupil across the threshold.

Why had I been ridiculously apprehensive? The encounter with Gill and Dave was more like a home-coming. There are many houses into which I go where I say to myself ‘how odd’ and where you feel that you could never settle. But here was a house in which I felt instantly at home. A great whoosh of warmth and comfort, dogs demanding attention, a big glass of wine (ditto), a great bowl of nuts, laughter, charm and a conversation as almost if we had been cousins of many years standing. How do you classify a blend of intelligence and creativity, of caring and understanding, of laughter amidst sadness, of tidy and polished chaos and a welcome as big as the hills? I felt instantly at home.

A great meat stew bubbled on the hob and we ate and drank and swopped stories until it was time for bed. Sadly this was the most fleeting of visits as the next morning I had to return the slime green car to the airport and get myself into the centre of Edinburgh for a meeting with our Scottish UNESCO counterparts. But I got to stay in one of Westerwitch’s lovely cottages and in a bed big enough to sleep a whole family. And in the morning I snapped these pictures out of the window.





I wanted to take a picture of the red squirrels, but the Nutkin family were disobliging. Only one squirrel (was it Nutkin himself?) came racing across the lawn. I imagined I could hear him singing:

“The man in the wilderness said to me,
‘How many strawberries grow in the sea?’
I answered him as I thought good -
‘As many red herrings as grow in the wood.’”

Downstairs, Westwitch admits to having three studies. (I suppose it depends how bad you have been as to which one you are summoned). But in the one by the door lives Cyd Fishus, the shy, one-eyed Piranha with scales that glow orange and golden below his dark silver back. He is a most handsome fish, if a touch scary. Not something, however cuddly he might look, you would really want to put in your bath.

We were going to have walked out to see the sheep, Bam-Bam and Pebbles but the rain was falling by now and making their acquaintance had therefore to be foregone.

The dogs are wonderfully lovely. I especially liked Sassie, the Collie, so calm and patient, just enjoying having her ears fondled, chin tickled or head stroked. But then Arnie, the Jack Russell was lovely too.

But then it was time to go. Great purple hugs abounded, despite the fine rain, I turned to car around, waved out of the window and bounced away down the potholes and towards the road that would take me to the airport.

LONDON REFLEXIONS

I am sitting in a large room in one of those elegant terraces sandwiched between St James’s Park and Pall Mall. In former times this must have been a dining room, or even a small ballroom; the elegant townhouse of some Regency grandee no doubt Now it is just a meeting room in the alliterative Institute for Materials, Minerals and Mining, and I am meeting.

On one side of me sits an executive from the BBC. On the other a kindly and vivacious woman who used to be a member of the European Parliament. We are here on UNESCO business. Through the tall windows I can see the bare tops of the trees on the Mall. This might be London; but it could equally be a great house anywhere.

Four and a half hours earlier I had hauled myself out of bed at some ungodly hour to be here, but the pain of early rising is worth the trouble for the hours it adds to the day. The meeting ends, as usual, without conclusion and I have time to cut away, up through St James’s, to where I am meeting my brother in a café on Piccadilly.

Usually we pass like ships in the night, my brother and I, bumping into each other, sometimes quite literally, on a London street. In fact, now that I come to think about it, I have encountered both my brother and my sister quite randomly on London streets. The chance of this must be akin to winning the lottery I would have thought. Still, this time we planned to meet.

As I arrived he was talking business to someone whose circular features and vaguely foreign tones reminded me of the sad-faced Peter Lorre - one of the ‘usual suspects’ who seemed to come as a job lot with Bogart on 1940s films like ‘The Maltese Falcon’ and ‘Casablanca.’ When the round-faced gentleman confirmed he was leaving that very afternoon for a destination in the Caucasus, the pigeon hole into which I had momentarily placed him was complete. Somehow this seemed normal.

Whenever I am in London I always think that here is a city that might be run far better by the Parisian authorities, or those of New York even. There is an element of unfortunate chaos to it. Few things seem to work as they should. Yet there is a charm and a richness here that can perhaps only exist alongside the chaos. The diversity is much greater than you would see on the streets of Cardiff let alone its hinterland. This is not only a diversity of origin and culture, but of wealth and dress, of occupation, of language.

As I walked through Bond Street it was Russian I heard on the air as elegant men and women in clothes that looked to cost the average of a month’s salary browsed insouciantly in the shop windows. On the tube it was French: everywhere I went. As if Sarkozy had sent an advance guard to succeed where Napoleon had failed.

I am struck by how odd the temperature feels in London. The city is usually a couple of degrees warmer than anywhere else and the buildings are of course heated to hospital incubator levels. The idea of pullovers being garments designed to keep one warm has clearly been long forgotten by their designers. But London also has its cold and shivering spots. Something perhaps to do with it being an eastern city and dry to boot. Stand still and rapidly the cold enters your bones. It is impossible, I find to dress comfortably for, unless you hurry, mouse-like, from building to building, which is a shame.

For one of the advantages of central London is its surprising compactness. You can walk to most places in less than half an hour. And you see so much more of interest than taking the underground. I meandered (the word being appropriate for I found I had strayed too far north and not far enough east) towards the British Museum, always full of treasures and a convenient spot to open the computer and collect emails.

The exhibition on the famous Persian Shah Abbas, I confess, I found disappointing, on balance. It seemed as much full of large pieces of Chinese porcelain as of anything else, its only connection with the fabled sixteenth century Persian ruler being that he donated it to religious foundations. It is there, of course, because at the time it was very expensive (even though the style seems to me appalling reminiscent of Victorian lavatories) and Shah Abbas, being a holy as well as a ruthless ruler, gave a lot of it away to the shrines, slides of which illuminated the walls.

These prompted me to ask why are these decorated mosques - all blue? There are touches of yellow, black, gold, white - but the predominant colour is blue. Yet the stone is a very pretty golden Bath stone. Would the buildings look even more beautiful undecorated, I wondered? And if they were decorated surely the odd red shrine would not come amiss. I am sure that sixteenth century Persians didn’t all support Chelsea.

There were carpets, of course - very pretty if you like that sort of thing and no doubt, if you know your carpets, very impressive - but they did look like the worn rugs you see in even the most average stately home. Most impressive was the beautiful Arabian calligraphy including a translation that read: ‘eat less, speak less, sleep less, learn more.’ Was this directed at teenagers, I wanted to ask?

But why so few pictures or portraits? (Though there were some.) Why so few trinkets, swords, armour and domestic artefacts, clothes even - even if they were copies?

After this there was just time for a dash around the galleries of pre-history. The iron age is well represented - but there is almost nothing Neolithic. I know that the Neolithics didn’t leave much in the way of portable artefacts - but considering this was the first European civilisation enduring for some four thousand years and stretching the length of the Atlantic seaboard from Scandinavia to Iberia - you’d think the Museum might do more. I live in expectation.

Then a hurry back to the station, this time on the underground, flashing my oyster card, which I am still not quite used to. I open the wallet place the card on the key pad and wait, not realising that the portal has already opened. Seasoned travellers flash their card and pass through the portal without breaking step. Still, I’ve only had my card since last summer and I don’t visit London much.

Maybe it’s just age. I feel increasingly unco-ordinated when, at the station, I try to manage paper, tickets, bags and so on. I have the frantic air of the irregular traveller. At Paddington I put a ticket into the gate machine. It doesn’t work. I’ve put the seat reservation ticket in. How can you tell? They all look the same. But the ticket man, neatly dressed and sitting five yards away can manage it. How? The flesh is willing, but the brain is weak.

Yes, definitely, the grandchild has arrived. It is a signal to pass the baton on. In my own time, of course.

CONFESSIONS OF A GRANDPARENT

This will be, unashamedly, a piece about my new grandchild, so those of you who are inclined to see such young beings as merely ‘a hole at both ends,’ can look away now and find something better to do: Sky has some excellent football coverage, I believe, and there are pressing things to fuss with in the garden.

It is all of 36 years since I last held an equally small scrap of humanity - at least one that preserved a good part of my own genome. How I managed then, I don’t know. Grandparents were noticeable by their absence, while the books seemed just too theoretical. In any case, I had quite forgotten it all. But I do remember that somehow there was nothing to learn, nature, by some miraculous process, just took over. Instinct, I suppose.

In any case, as quickly as I became expert with the new born, we were off on the helter-skelter trip down, or rather up, the ages of life: toddlerhood and talking, reading and nurseries, school and so on.This time I expect this progression will seem even faster. Young Topi is a week old already. In a few short months - by the end of the summer holidays - he will be crawling and already taking his first steps by Christmas.

I call him Topi, as no-one else seems inclined to call him anything. With great earnestness do his parents produce constant streams of names, which fade from consciousness like mayflies. We are no further forward.

Topaz was his womb nickname. Topaz was inside the ‘bump.’ At the time we did not know his gender, of course, though we might have learned from the scans. We preferred not to know. Younger Daughter, his mother, has always been endeared to having a couple of (presumably female) offspring called Topaz and Ameythyst - names which even Mrs Worthington would have been pleased to put straight on stage.

I have shortened and masculinized Topaz to Topi - or Toppy, if you prefer - but Topi sounds both more exotic and has a handsome ruggedness that comes with a gentle and caring interior. No-one, anyway, has objected and his parents seem grateful that someone is calling him something in the six week interregnum before they need to pay a visit to the registrar.

I have to confess to being reluctant to hold Topi when I first saw him. An alien, delicate and soggy piece of flesh wrapped in swaddling layers of blanket and what I regarded as a completely unecessary hat, given that the fellow already has a lot more hair of his own that many of the medical men who flitted in from time to time.

But once placed in my arms it is remarkable how quickly the parental instinct usurps such feelings. One ‘knows’ without thinking how to hold a baby, how to position his head close to your own heart and how to move with gentle rocking motions that soothe and comfort.

You forget just how easy the bonding process is and indeed the degree of interaction develops unbidden. Babies are not inert pieces of tissue, they react vigorously to this and that and even when they are content to snuggle asleep against your chest, that itself is a reaction to feeling safe and secure.

It’s been a week now and already we have our little routines. I sing or hum to little Topi while walking up and down. He seems to like the Souza march, which Monty Python took as their theme tune, but Leonard Cohen also seems to go down well. Now and then we do Mozart - at least we try. This, too is lapped up with the rest.

All of this makes me fancy that Topi will be musical - or rather is musical. I can’t remember singing in the same way to my own newborns. But there is something in this baby that demands it. The big eyes, fringed at this stage of development with blue, open and rock from side to side as they try to focus. ‘It will come, Topi,’ I say, ‘it will come, your focus.’ At the moment, trying to focus just makes the little fellow screw up his face and shake his head.

His little fingers, long and narrow, with perfectly formed (and clean) fingernails, clutch mine, with a grip that is surprisingly light, while he forgets about music and remembers the only thing that babies are really interested in when they are not asleep - food.

I give him my knuckle to suck and am initially surprised not just by the force but by the efficiency of the action. Whereas all else about baby is loose and unco-ordinated, half-formed and helpless, the sucking reflex is well-honed.

And once lips touch knuckle he draws his head back, waggles it from side to side and then lurches forward in a species of head butt. The suction starts and we have ‘lock-on.’

Disappointment clearly follows as the knuckle fails to provide anything sweet, warm and nutritious. Topi then boasts a ferocious frown. But, persistent chap that he is he tries again, jerking his head back, doing the little wiggle, and then throwing himself again forward. Thus we continue until he tires and falls asleep, still ‘locked-on’ to my finger.

Yes, all this really is a miracle. And, for it, ordinary life seems to stop, everyday priorities melting away like snow before a warm wind.

So, I am back to re-learning nursery rhymes and finger games and how to make the legs of Pipany’s wonderful Babbit go pitter-patter, pitter-patter. I am back to looking at baby books and wondering (at times) whether the babies that they know are anything like the babies I have known. But most of all I am back to feeling that fierce, defensive pride that wants to love and protect one’s offspring; to draw out and reinforce its aptitudes, to help to link all those myriads of unformed connections in his brain that provide the basis of intelligence and to help him to grow into a sound and happy little soul.

Which is all most wonderful and perfect.

DELIVERIES MAY BE DISTRACTING

I suppose it started when I missed my dentist appointment last Friday. I who never miss appointments! I was here at my desk, beavering away, when the telephone rang asking politely why I was not at that moment in Mr Page’s recliner, my mouth full of dental impedimenta.

They were very understanding in a gentle Joyce Grenfell sort of way. “Oh you just forgot, did you?” to which I could only explain limply that I was expecting my first grandchild and my mind was on other things.

At the time I thought this a whopping lie. Not insofar as my Younger Daughter is expecting a baby. That is true enough. In fact she has been expecting now for almost a week, with false alarms necessitating urgent dashes to the hospital birthing unit every couple of days. No, the real reason, or so I thought, was that I had just been too idle to consult my diary that morning.

Still, they were compassionate and let me off without charging the punitive ‘fees for missed appointments’ spelt out prominently in big letters around the surgery walls. They fitted me in. Apparently, they are not very busy: the recession has taken its toll. Bankers and accountants are no longer smiling, they say. It matters not therefore what their teeth look like.

This made me think of another mitigating plea that I had once similarly rejected as whopping untruth, years ago. On this occasion I had joined a Civil Service colleague for a lunch-time drink, stayed rather too long and returned to the office slightly the worse for wear. Subsequently, I was called in by the boss and rightly upbraided.

He then said that he had heard that my mother had died very recently. How he knew I do not know, but there it was. I replied that I couldn’t, in honesty, claim that as an excuse. But he was a wise man and I escaped the retribution that I felt I deserved.

With the passage of time I think he was right; my mother’s death was almost certainly disturbing me more than I realised. She had died unexpectedly. Yes, she had been ill; certainly she was in hospital. But she was only 54 and one moment was sitting up in bed, smoking a cigarette and the next she had turned her face to the wall, as it were, no doubt muttering her usual cry in times of adversity “Oh God! Oh Montreal!” The family were left still gathering belongings for a London dash. Still, that was all a very long time ago.

In the meantime, between Younger Daughter’s false alarms, life goes on. We decided to celebrate surviving the double whammy of the end of January tax bill plus a hefty repayment of business mortgage by making a visit to IKEA to buy a rather fetching armchair.

Actually, I had understood we would be buying two armchairs to replace the green two-seater sofa that Younger Daughter had said would fit very comfortably in her house.
This was not quite what J had understood, which was that we would be getting shot of both our existing two seater sofas and buying a new sofa and one armchair in replacement.

I wanted the two armchairs as I knew that J would undoubtedly take ownership of a single one. I didn’t want the two-seater sofa because that would be less comfortable and more difficult to manoeuvre. Besides, I didn’t see much wrong with our pink sofa which had done noble service for over a quarter of a century. It does sag a bit, but it also has a welcoming, sat-on, feel that all good sofas should have.

Having taken the difficult decision to purchase we found ourselves perplexed and slightly cross and so tested the comfort of IKEA’s Ektorp brand, in its lively shade of scarlet corduroy, by having a seemingly insoluble argument about what exactly we should buy.

We might have been there still had we not suddenly realised - the revelation being like awakening from an anxiety dream - that the whole question was anyway academic.

For you can’t actually import new furniture without first removing the old. If we ordered today, the stuff might be delivered early next morning (when you do want something it always takes a fortnight, but this cannot be relied on). That, at the very least, would be an embarrassment.

Only then we remembered our original plan. YD’s partner (who conveniently owns a long wheelbase transit used for ferrying his circus kit) was to remove the existing sofa(s) and to collect their replacements in one seamless loop of collection and delivery. But of course YD’s partner has other deliveries in his mind, just now, besides sofas. There is a natural order in these matters and babies come before furnishings.

So we retreated from IKEA with nothing more to show for our labours than a set of nifty recycling boxes, wondering however we could have contemplated buying new furniture before arranging to get rid of the old. Both of us had clearly taken leave of our senses.

But then, I suppose, poor dears, our minds are distracted. We are in a mental limbo pending baby’s arrival. This is not the time to expect straight thinking or the keeping of appointments in this household.

WHY I TRAMP THE STREETS IN SEARCH OF RUBBER BANDS

The kind men and women who in all weathers deliver our daily post, wrap it in bundles with pink rubber bands. They probably do this elsewhere as well. Twenty or thirty letters and brochures held together ready to drop through the letterboxes of this or that cluster of houses. Maybe it’s even done by postcode, I don’t know.

What I do know is that these are very fine rubber bands, and of a durability and elasticity reminiscent of the days when windows of railway carriages were opened with a leather strap. I imagine a little factory, somewhere like Leeds or Dumbarton, deep anyway in the British hinterland, where son has followed father in this traditional manufacture - supported by the same, government contract, rolled over year by year.

The postal folk rushing around on their deliveries, on foot or bicycle, at the regulation so many miles-per-hour, remove the bands before delivering the mail, placing them carefully on a handlebar or in a pocket so that they may be used again. Inevitably a few bands are dropped.

Now I value these rubber bands. They come in two sizes. The larger ones are exactly the right size for closing a roll of labels wound on a three inch diameter core. The smaller ones are exactly the right size for a one inch core. So when I find one lying on the pavement - as I did this morning - I pick it up eagerly. This gives me a double pleasure: I believe I am tidying the streets and the atavistic instincts of my hunter-gatherer nature are satisfied. Rarely a day goes by when I do not manage to pick up at least one and bear it proudly home. It’s a sort of Sarah Palin feeling, I suppose, without the need for gunfire.

I mentioned this the other day to Delphine, our ultra-efficient and helpful assistant in the Post Office where I go each afternoon carrying a Marks and Spencer shopping bag containing packets of labels to be despatched urgently hither and thither.

Unfortunately, she said, she had no rubber bands to give me. However, if some came her way she would, set them aside. At that point Sam, who was pursuing some post office business of his own at the next window, intervened. “I’ve got a bucketful” he said. “I’d be glad to get rid of them.”

Sam runs a superior travel agency in town. Not only that but he has a habit of collecting honorary consulships like other people collect stamps. An impressively royal coat of arms outside his office proclaims that it is here that distressed Norwegians in search of a friendly hand should repair. Assuming, that is, that the place isn’t full of distressed Tunisians seeking the same thing.

I know Sam not so much through our occasional coincidental encounters at the Post Office but from the bi-annual receptions that the European Commission hold in Cardiff for those involved in some way with European affairs. When I am not selling labels I write articles about Europe and for a short time last year was the part-time UK representative on a sadly terminated European communications project. I think, anyway, that is why they invite me.

Labels and Europe are two activities just about as distant in the occupational spectrum as it is possible to get. I arrive at the Post Office, tired and dishevelled, frequently in jeans and sweater, with a bulging and inelegant bag of parcels, my conversation limited to rubber bands and recorded deliveries, only subsequently to reappear groomed and talking with something that could passably be taken for erudition about the threats and opportunities to Britain of joining the euro. This perplexes Sam. Me too, sometimes, when people ask innocently, “what do you do?”

Never mind! I am still, if you remember, looking for those robust and elastic pink Post Office rubber bands. So Sam invites me to drop into his agency the next day and collect his small surplus, the postmen clearly delivering several each day with the agency’s mail. This, in great expectation, I do, only to find that the fabled ‘bucketful’ is nowhere to be found. The staff confirmed that although once such a bucketful did indeed exist, sadly someone must have ‘tidied up.’ My disappointment was palpable.

So I am back tramping the streets again, looking for these little circles of pink rubber. Meanwhile I have to put up with the inferior products of stationery suppliers who trade only in products made in some Asian fastness. Never the correct size, nor very elastic, they break with a twang at the slightest provocation, zapping your fingers in the process. Oh! If only I could find that factory in Leeds or Dumbarton that made the rubber bands which held the Empire together!

MANDALAY AGAIN

My email box pinged and there, under the capitalised title ‘HAPPY NEW YEAR,’ was an email from my eldest half-sister, the one who has nine children and lives somewhere deep in the South of France. She is an erratic correspondent but surfaces at odd moments with some breathless message, hammered out in capitals. This time it was “JUST THOUGHT YOU WOULD LOVE TO KNOW AS YOU LOVED THE HOUSE SO MUCH THAT BARNARDS CLOSE IS UP FOR SALE.”

‘Barnards’, as we called it - the ‘Close’ only being added when formality demanded - was the house in which we both grew up, she seven years behind me. We all left for a short lived life in Jersey in the winter of 1965, the last of my childhood world piled into the back of an old Commer van that bounced and rumbled away for ever down Barnards’ long, dark, potholed drive.

She mentioned an estate agent which I looked up and there, in a sort of ‘last night I dreamed I went to Mandalay again’ moment, was the proud bow-windowed house looking smart and well-kept, its lawns suspiciously verdant: seven bedrooms, three bathrooms, an acre of land, asking price £1,150,000, which is about a hundred times what we sold it for.

It is true I did love the house, which always seemed to be a mitigation of my unhappy childhood. I thought we should have kept it despite our impecuniosity: the roof that leaked copiously, the rotten window frames, the draughts and the precarious heating.

I loved the space most of all. Outside there were then seven acres of gardens and fields and paddocks that ran all the way down to the Thames. Next the house a walled kitchen garden, a stable block, a triple garage, an apple store, a heated greenhouse - even a non-conformist chapel built for the village by a previous owner - provided ample opportunity for a shy child to run and hide and fantasise.

You reached the house via a drive, eighty yards long and flanked on each side with mature horse chestnuts under which a flood of aconites bloomed each spring. This opened on a lawn, the shape of a tear drop, on which stood a mighty lime tree. Around this lawn we raced on bicycles, or sometimes horses. It was one of four lawns all of which it fell to me to cut with a small two-stroke Atco mower. Up and down, up and down.

At various times we accommodated in these grounds an eclectic mixture of animals. We started with a small pig farm and some poultry, the chapel being converted to deep litter. We sold eggs to Thames Valley, the only ecclesiastically raised eggs in Britain probably.

I also remember goats, ducks, geese, dogs, cats and horses on which untaught (except by falling off) I learned to ride. Sadly the pigs all contracted swine fever and had to be slaughtered; some other disaster put paid to the chickens. My father turned to teaching, while step-mother embarked on the more profitable enterprise of farming students.

Barnards was one of those houses in which you could never quite manage to count all the rooms. Someone had begun the construction deep in the mists of time and each succeeding generation had added something to it. Parts of the house were undoubtedly Tudor, but other parts were Victorian, the most recent additions being made in the thirties. This gave it a higgledy-piggledy feel, compounded by its deliciously having two staircases. Upstairs you could count six separate levels of floor and downstairs three. It did contain, however, at least ten rooms that at a pinch could be called bedrooms and most of these were large enough for multiple occupation.

So the house was always full of young people: birds of passage from as young as a tearful six year old. Mostly they came from abroad, many from Africa, sent to us by some species of agency. We fed and housed them, taught them English, sent them to boarding school in term time and arranged sightseeing trips and parties in the holidays.

One of the first was a young French water-skiing champion called Jacqueline who came to attend a language course at Oxford, a short hop away on the railway line. To my pale Cinderella-like personage she seemed impossibly glamorous and exotic, all tailored blazers and silk scarves. Jaqueline lent her name to the most Tudor of Barnards’ Tudor bedrooms, a name it retained long after her departure.

She was with us for her twenty-second birthday and my father, more than a little enamoured by her looks, placed candles in the gathering twilight all around the back lawn, while we consumed cake and, I believe, a bottle of champagne; which seemed, in those dim days of the 1950s, almost as exotic as a French water skier.

All these memories of my childhood Mandalay flooded back as I looked at the pictures. The rooms, not surprisingly, seem smaller than I remembered, the hall narrower, the sitting room inglenook only a half inglenook. Outside the lawns appear mostly the same, though the great lime tree seems to have gone.

But seven acres have become one acre. The fields have been sold and all around the house land has been sold for building. The weeping ash beside the chapel under whose green summer canopy I crammed for my physics ‘A’ Level, has long since been flattened beneath a bevy of executive homes built in the Rose Garden. More new houses cover the front field where the piggeries stood. I doubt that the great triple garage has survived either.

Time has moved on. Like Mandalay, the old Barnards has gone, just as much as if it, too had, been burned to the ground.

TWELFTH NIGHT CALCULATIONS

This morning I was listening idly to the ‘Today’ programme on Radio 4 while munching away on my buttered toast, when someone, whose name I didn’t catch, came on to say that he had written a new batch of Winnie-the-Pooh stories that would be published in the autumn under the title of ‘Return to the Hundred Acre Wood.’

He then read a charming extract with Pooh saying though he had been absent for 80 years, ‘years’ were only a unit of time and it might just as well have been 80 weeks or even 80 minutes, in which later case it might just be time for a little smackerel of something in the Hundred Acre Wood.

I know shall look forward to the publication but I fear I shall be disappointed. These sequels, even if the characters are revived by the original author, never quite seem to hit the mark. Time moves on, whatever Pooh may say, in the enchanted - as well as enchanting - Hundred Acre Wood. All of which made me ask myself how big anyway was 100 acres? And spent some minutes working this out to be about a mile by 300 yards.

In idle moments I am always essaying these kinds of calculations. Last week I wrote about Jane Shilling’s memoir of learning to ride, buying a horse and then joining the local hunt - ‘A Fox in the Cupboard.’ Walking through our own very much less than 100 acre wood the next day I found myself reckoning what it all must have cost and why, as a single mum she should have incurred such great expense while still (I assume) a relatively lowly paid sub-editor. Even when she became a regular columnist and reviewer the charge of this equestrian activity on the Shilling household must have been a heavy one.

She says her horse cost £3,200. But then there’s the livery, the vet’s and farrier’s bills, hunt subscriptions, transport, both for the horse to meets, and for herself to and fro from London to deepest Kent. There is proper clothing to be bought, and riding boots, and general impedimenta; there is insurance (sure to be crippling when you think of what a horse can do with a well-aimed kick). Why when a frequent theme of her articles used to be the frugality of her existence did she embark on such a financially threatening course?

This is indeed a more interesting question and I think the answer has something to do with tribe. We all have an atavistic urge to belong to and to be accepted by a wider group of people, not necessarily that we like, but with whom we have a common purpose and who will support us if need be. Jane’s book ends like this:

“I turned and looked back on them all - the Ashford Valley, eating and drinking and flirting on Midsummer’s eve. It was dark on the road where the trees hung down and I couldn’t see their faces, only their silhouettes, but as I paused there for a moment, poised just outside the circle of light and celebration, someone waved. They’d noticed that I had gone.”

This seems her acknowledgment that at last she felt accepted into the Ashford Valley tribe, whereas before she felt an outsider.

Our tribes are distinguished by traditions, by modes of dress, by colours and by purpose. The activity that the tribes engage in, sport, riding, party politics, acting, is often incidental to the real purpose: the satisfaction that we get from belonging, from knowing the jargon and the in-jokes, the history, the anecdotes, the common language and the chance to live in a smaller, friendlier world. Though in reality a tribe’s internal politics rarely run smooth.



My own tribe is acting and we are often at cross-purposes. We cannot even agree when to hold our traditional Twelfth Night revels. Should it be the 5th or the 6th of January? It is our version of Lilliput’s Big and Little Enders.

I suppose it all depends when you start counting. Night one ought to be Christmas Eve - when, one presumes, the shepherds came down from the hills. By the time the Magi arrived on Christmas morning the messy bits were safely over and the Babe, all washed and wrapped lay smiling happily in His manger.

Incidentally, this is always depicted as a kind of trough on legs which any self-respecting ungulate would kick over before you could say Santa Claus. Real mangers are fixed to the wall at the height of a horse’s head, which would be a more sensible place to put a baby in an occupied stable. Twelfth Night would then become the 4 January. Oh dear!

Still, if like Pooh Bear you are not a slave to literalism and think the quantum of time units immaterial to a good story, then it really matters not. Besides 6 January is the feast of St Stephen (when the snow lay round about) and St Stephen has traditionally been as much a part of the end of Christmas as St Nicholas has been a part of the beginning.

So, pace modernists everywhere, I stuck to the traditional night. A great party ensued. Before midnight we commenced removing the Christmas decor, ready for the barren abstinence that stretches out deep, cold and boringly even towards Lent. Which, in these ever more troubled times, looks as though it will well live up to its name as the season of borrowing.